So! There are three I'd like to tell you all about. One of them you already know! You remember Peachy Keen? Cool.
Let's begin, yes? We'll start from what we know.
Go, Peachy Keen! Okay, we had a tad of a falling out and a period of awkward; we didn't talk to each other basically all summer, but as soon as school picked back up, we were right back on track. And I think even more so than we were before. We talk more often, see each other more, and are just generally closer. I still want to know him better--he's a great kid and I have loads of fun when I just sit and chat with him. He's one of the few men in my life who I am just genuinely and truly comfortable around. Whose company I thoroughly enjoy. So, I'm working on getting closer with him. He's a great guy and I don't want to lose him, but I'm not the only one who thinks he's so great. He's in high demand, and since I'm a noob to him, I'm low on the totem pole. We frequently attempt to hang out, but there tends to be a conflict of some sort. So we always say "Soon though, yeah?" and it just keeps cycling. But I can tell he's not avoiding me or lying to me--he's very sincere and I feel like he genuinely does want to see me. Unless he's a fantastic actor, but I tend to be able to call out bullshit. He and I have totally different interests, but it doesn't seem to matter when we talk. We can talk about our completely different lives and still tie them together. I love it.
Go, Bruise! Introduction to Bruise! Bruise is my friend, I've known him for 3 years now? More or less. We were never very close, but our paths always crossed. He moved to New York recently and knew few people in the area, so I helped him out a bit and we got much closer. In a night of wandering, talking, watching movies, eating junk food, drinking, and mutual loneliness, he spent the night in my bed. We did not have sex, for clarity's sake, but we were definitely closer than we've ever been before. And now things have been a little awkward, but not terribly so by any means. We keep trying to meet up--moreso me trying than him, because I don't want the friendship to disappear--but there's always something in the way. It's a little difficult and with him, I'm not convinced he isn't lying to me. And I know he is a good actor, so I'm skeptical. But nothing went wrong, nothing was awkward, it's solely the protracted separation that's making things weird at all. But it doesn't seem that weird. Just a little off... it's whatever. Nothing serious is going to come of this, but I still want to be friends. And if it happens to be friends with benefits, so be it. I'm not tied down to anyone or anything at the moment.
Go, Drifter! Introduction to Drifter! I met him a few weeks ago at a friend's. We started talking and really hit it off--not like, arms around each other and talking inches away from each other's face, but a true connection of understanding. We were in a room of 30 people but we just talked and talked and everything else fell away. I felt like he actually understood me, which is hard to come by. He fascinated me and apparently I fascinated him. He kept asking me question after question, probing deeper and deeper, getting more and more excited with every response I gave. I couldn't believe it! Unfortunately, he had to leave. I have since facebook messaged him, expressing how much I enjoyed meeting him and my desire to see him again.
Remember my post from Monday? Yeah, this is him.
WELL. Things have changed a liiiiittle bit since then. My friend GoldenEye knew of the situation and had asked me how things were going. So I told him that I was rejected, Drifter didn't respond. GoldenEye insisted I text Drifter. I insisted that would be terrible because Drifter didn't know I even had his number--our mutual friend had given it to me in an attempt to get us together. But GoldenEye was persistent and reminded me, "What do you have to lose? If he doesn't respond, then you're only confirming what you're thinking now. No harm done. And I promise, he won't give a fuck how you got his number."
I didn't believe him, but he forced me, and he was 100% correct! Drifter responded with an enthusiasm to meet up and we're working out our plans now! I was shocked. I expected not a single word at all or a response that displayed a blatant disinterest. But au contraire, GoldenEye knew and shared his wisdom. Maybe with his guidance, I can finally understand the guys I'm interested in! There's a new hope!
So now there's this dilemma. What to do, what to do! Three guys, all great guys. One a good friend, one a semi-good friend, one a practical stranger. One with a history, one with an awkward history, one with no history. One completely aimless, one an artist, and one a pre-med student. Do I pursue all and see what works? Take my pick if all paths aren't closed off? Do I pick now and break off the others? Do I pick one, pursue, and keep the others on a tight leash? Man, I wish I had the power and control to do whatever I wanted. I just don't know what to do because I don't know what will work and what will fuck everything up!
There's no truth to pull from this. No revelation I reach at the end of writing a post. Just a state of ambivalence. This is one of the VERY few times in my life when I have several interests, and I don't know how to cope. I tend to be a one-man kind of girl--I find someone I like, I think about it, and once/if I realize I actually do like him, I latch. I get way too emotional and involved. But then it doesn't work and I move on. I'm sad for a night or two, then stick it on my tab, realize there's no point and the only thing to do is pick myself up, and I push forward. C'est la vie! I blame it all on the hormones.
No point. No verity to realize. Just a girl, her heart, and her consequently jumbled mind.
But you'd never know when I saw you on the street this morning.
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| HA! I wish. |
Ambivalent, pulled, and jumbled,
The A.S.S.
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