Summer of New Love

Well, hello there! Fancy seeing you here! What has it been, half a year? Well, not quite. But, I'M BACK.

And I'm sorry that it took me so long to do so. The past few months have been a whirlwind or work, emotion, time, friends, family, everything. It all raced by and I'm still struggling to keep up with Father Time as he races onward. Who knew such an old dude could run so fast!

But, I know no one cares about this blog, so I won't dwell on apologies. I'll just pick it back up where I left off--sort of.

So where were we? Ah, yes, springtime in New York. Well, with lovely springtime comes not-so-lovely finals. So that was a black hole that I couldn't escape. And then came summer. And soon, I was completely enveloped with the fact that I ACTUALLY had FREE time to do nothing and NO responsibilities, and I was enamored. It had been so long! So I literally laid around ALL day, EVERY day, just enjoying the calmness of nothingness. But you can just call me a lazy shit. That works too.

And next? Well, what happened next changed my life irrevocably.
I studied abroad. I know every student comes back from abroad saying they're changed forever, so I know it's cliche, but every single time, it's true and every story is different. And besides obtaining a greater sense of the world and the millions of other people here too, being abroad heightened my self confidence.

I know that's not a normal reaction and that I sound like a bitch--I go away to learn and be more cultured and worldly and come back feeling like I'm hot shit. Well, I promise I don't think I'm hot shit. I just know myself better and am more proud of who I am as a person.

You see, you've read my posts. You remember my post about not being sure I had any TRUE friends? Well, posting that was out of character for me--letting that side show. But I remembered that that was WHY I had this blog. To be REAL. To SHOW the real. So I let that all out and I look back on it quite frequently.

That me never left. There is ALWAYS a part of me that questions myself, questions if I'm good enough, questions if I have any real friends. But then this summer happened. And while doubt is still alive and present, he's been bondaged and gagged and thrown into the trunk of a car at the impound lot. I can barely hear his screams.

So now I'm sure you're wondering what the HELL could POSSIBLY have happened over ONE little trip that caused such a turnaround. So I'll tell you.

I went into the program not knowing a single soul. I hadn't even gone to a single pre-departure orientation meeting. I knew no one. No professors, no students, no RAs, nothing. I was SO excited to meet new people since you know I need new/more friends, but a very real possibility soon dawned on me. --What if I didn't make any friends? What if I was too weird, too quirky, too lazy to make friends and put myself out there and make good impressions and actually make any friends? What if I just ended up sitting in a corner with no one to talk to for the entire program? Fuck. This is a very real possibility.

And cue freakout. I kept it hidden though because there was no going back--I couldn't back out now and I still really wanted to go, so what was I going to do? I had to just go and be me and see what happened.

Before I knew it, I met some of the most amazing people I've ever known. Within days, I had best friends that I stayed up all night just talking with. We went to bars, we went out to dinner together, we took weekend vacations, we watched World Cup games, we became closer than I could have ever imagined I would have. All within a few days. Literally.

But what was more moving to me was the non-student friends I made.

We had a favorite bar we went to almost daily. We became extremely close with the bartenders and the manager, staying up with them to watch the sunrise, taking free shots with them when all other customers left, playing darts and backgammon for hours, screaming at the television for our soccer teams, and I couldn't believe how friendly they were to us this entire time. Here we were, loud and obnoxious Americans who came to their bar WAY too often, tended to drink too much, and kept asking for refills on the complimentary chips. But they loved us. They hugged and kissed us goodnight every time we left, begged us to come back soon, went out of their ways to say hello to us as we walked by the bar on our way to classes, and even threw us a party at the end of the program. They were absolutely amazing and I adore them to no end.

I know I keep saying "not only," but I have even more to build up to.

When we had to say goodbye to our wonderful staff, I was on the verge of bawling. The tears were welling up and I did everything in my power not to let them come pouring. The girlfriend of the manager, we'll call her Lynne, hugged me long and hard and when we finally pulled away, she said, "I'll come to America for YOU. I have never flown for more than two hours, but for you? I'll fly wherever to see you again. You will show me all the greatest places in New York, yes?" Her boyfriend, the manager, whom we'll call Señor and barelyyy spoke English, said "Yes, I come too! For YOU. We play backgammon and drink beers in America too, just like home, yes?" And I can only pray that they actually DO come to visit, because it absolutely tore me apart inside to think I would never see these wonderful people again.

However, it was the bartender whom we'll call Catfight, that really got me. He was always the one who was our best friend there. Lynne was like the fun aunt or the mom who's also the best friend and Señor was kind of like a father, except that he barely spoke English so nearly everything he said would be communicated through Lynne. Catfight, however, spoke English perfectly, sat with us all night, invited us to shows with him, gave us life advice and asked us for it too, etc. He was so warm and inviting and kind and wonderful and we loved him terribly. I didn't know how on earth I could ever manage to say goodbye to this man who I wanted to stay with forever. So when we left, I asked him "Catfight, I don't want to say goodbye. Will we one day get married so we never have to?" It was a joke, but only half. And to my surprise, without a moment's hesitation, he said this.

"Of course. Of course we will get married one day. As soon as I can come to New York for you, we will be together. Someday soon."

And I know he wasn't entirely serious, of course. We had only just met and I would NEVER consider marrying on such a shallow basis, I promise. But there was something real underneath it all. From both of us, there was something much deeper.

And this is what I learned from this trip. I AM a good person, I have the capacity to love and open my heart, I am fun and friendly enough to meet new and amazing people, and I am good enough for people to care about. I am good enough that not one, but THREE separate individuals who I had only known for a few days vowed that they would travel thousands of miles just to see me. Me. I am loved and am good enough to be loved, even by strangers.

It has been a while since I have returned and I am still in contact with the students from the trip as well as my professors, my RA, and the staff of that wonderful bar. There is picture sharing and emails and Facebook conversations with a frequency I've never been able to maintain before in a long-distance relationship. And it blows my mind. But it also warms me, pumps my blood, inspires me, and keeps me running. And I will never forget the summer that filled my life with love.

Always Yours,
The A.S.S.