I adore Thanksgiving. I think it is a beautiful holiday, including of everyone (when looking past the genocide aspect and focusing solely on the notion of being thankful), and a time that truly calls for some inflection.
Although not everyone does it, and I sound cheesy for saying that I do, Thanksgiving is one day for everyone to just stop and think about their blessings. And I truly do have a lot of blessings. Religion, race, creed, gender, sexuality, none of that matters. It's a day to just be happy to be alive. And as such, it's a big cornerstone of every year for me--it's a point where I sit back, take a good hard look at my life, and really think about what I have. What I want. What I'm grateful for. What I regret. Who I am, who I was last November, and who I want to be exactly one year from today. And in times like these when I'm so filled with thoughts and girly emotion, I have to write it out.
This Thanksgiving was different--despite its low-key nature, it felt like it held more gravity than previous ones. Maybe because of its inherently more intimate nature than our standard Thanksgiving festivals, or maybe I really am that different of a person. Maybe I really did have that much to contemplate. I'm not sure. But I know unambiguously that I have changed over the past year. I'm at a different place in my life, I feel different, I think differently, I am different. Things have happened over the past year. Only a few glaring incidents that would obviously instigate change, but that's just it. This year has been one of subtlety. One of low-key, intimate nature. One of me in touch with myself, more than past years have been. Of course big things happened this year--things always happen. But there were fewer in my life this time than there have been in the last few years. ...I think I really needed that.
Who was I one year ago. I was still new to my life. I had undergone a huge transition and I wasn't entirely adjusted yet. I was loving it, but I was still a tad overwhelmed, although I don't think I knew it at the time. I was fearless and ready to take on the world, but also intimidated of the road ahead and clueless as to where that road was going. Last year, I was a searching, floating, giddy girl.
Who I am today. I'm loving life. I'm on track, I see more of a future than I did last year, I have a job that's forging lots of paths for me, I found a niche I'm comfortable in. I've had a ton of ups and downs these past few weeks, to euphemize. More than I can keep track of--but I had that post about the concoction of emotions. Yep, still the case. Although the sad stuff is getting better; it's not fading, it's all still clearly there, but I'm coping better and coming to terms. And as I had finally come to terms with being single this year, Drifter waltzes in and shakes everything up. This year, I'm a lovestruck, ambitious, confident woman.
Who do I want to be? I'm not positive. I want to still be me--I truly like me now, and I think I was still unsure of that last year. But this year, for today at least, I'm proud of myself. However, in one year I want to not be in New York. I want to be somewhere else. I love New York, don't think otherwise. But I want to use my time and do some exploring while I still have the freedom to do so. That being said, I want to be in a relationship. I haven't had a real one in ages and now that I'm so close to it with Drifter, now that it's at my fingertips, I just want to grab it. Again, had you asked me a few months ago, I would've said "whatever happens, happens, I'm not looking for anything but if I find something, I won't turn it away." I had waited for so long and found nothing that my mantra became the notion of "when it comes, the wait will have been worth it." And now, it truly feels worth it. Now, I want it. I like Drifter and I actually really want to be with him. For the long-term, not a one-night-stand. So in a year, I think I'd really like to see myself in a relationship. I'd like to see myself on an even more clear path to the future. In one year, I'd like to be somewhere new, with someone I love, strutting proudly into the future.
Indubitably, this year has been humbling, inspiring, and crystallizing. Last year, I really don't think I had a clear picture of what I hoped the next year to be; I was just taking everything one step at a time. I still am, but I have a sort of lower-keyed utopia I'm aspiring toward. This year has had a profound impact on who I am, but in exactly that sense. Profound. It's much less physical this year than any previous year and essentially, solely an emotional and inflective change. And that's new to me.
My 2010 Thanksgiving reflected the year that I've just lived. Quiet, personal, simple. There were no flashing lights, no 30 pound turkeys with mountains of side dishes, no driving cross-country, no family pictures in matching sweaters. Just my immediate family and a prayer. A movie, some apple pie, a couple laughs, a few glasses of wine. Football games, an assembly line of dish-washing, and retiring to the couch. It was simple. It was us. A quiet evening in our own home, being grateful for the blessings we have, happy to have each other's company, and content to simply be alive. That's what this Thanksgiving and this past year have done for me. I hope you all feel the same this year, next year, and for many, many years to come.
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| Taken from http://caitortiz.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=216#/d1qzpdz |
Happy Thanksgiving everyone,
Your Amplified Shadowed Side
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