Future Plans

BLARGH I'm sorry it's been a week.  The past seven days have been extremely hectic, but I've been itching to just write again.  So now that I finally have the chance, let's get to it!

I went out to lunch with Zero and GoldenEye yesterday--we have a little tradition of grabbing some pizza between classes on Wednesdays.  The week before, I was unable to go with them so I had asked about what it was I'd missed.  Then, they exploded.

They explained their plan.  They have a plan that maps out the entire rest of their lives--they're to go into business together after they attend the same graduate school, formulating their mega-corporation the whole time while they are near and freshly educated.  Their corporation will do "everything.  Literally, everything."  It will have thousands of employees and hundreds of branches; it will be the biggest thing to hit America.  And every Wednesday, they would take all their interns out to lunch for pizza and discuss business, the future, politics, economics, etc.  They were formulating traditions for their futures, mapping out their lives, placing themselves years away with a crystal clear image.  It was wishful thinking and high hoping, but they knew exactly what they wanted and they were ready to go get it.

It hit me right then.  This is life, and it's coming at me way faster than I want to accept.  I don't have that clear picture, I don't have a direct path I intend to take.  I have no post-graduate plans.  The extent of my life is in school, and that's all I've got.  And I can't tell if I love that or hate that!  LIFE is so close... this is it.  This is the final stretch.  Everything is the final stretch... and there's never any stopping and going back.  Ever.  Life carries on.  It can end in an instant, it can last forever.  It can end up the exact opposite of how you always imagined, it can go exactly how you want it to.  It can take a million unpredicted turns, it can be mapped out any which way in the garden of forking paths.  But Life is facing me head on.  Whether I'm curled up in a ball or running at full-speed, Life is straight ahead.  Life is staring me down.

It's kind of terrifying.  It's kind of exhilarating, too.

This is a little spacey and a little out there--it doesn't really make logical sense.  It's just a stream of consciousness because I have a lot of difficulty channeling these thoughts and feelings.  So, I'm sorry about that.  But hey, it's what's on my mind!

"Contemplate" by TheSophiaPark (http://thesophiapark.deviantart.com/)

Rambling,
The A.S.S.

"Where do you get the confidence?"

(Introduction: Lavender. One of los chicos, but the least present one of them all. Chill, very laid back, calm, funny, genuine. Student, musician, smoker.
Introduction: Volcano. One of los chicos. Absolutely hilarious, absurd, goofy, outgoing, illogical. Student, filmmaker, foreigner.
Introduction: Leggings. Roommate. Bubbly, tall, friendly, laid back. Student, actress, sleep talker.
Introduction: Zero. One of los chicos. High class, city-savvy, short, sexist. Student, baller, gym rat.
Introduction: Eclipse. One of los chicos; doesn't live with them, but lives across the hall. Very relaxed, adorable, sweet, gentleman, intelligent, tall, respectful. Student, baller, close friend for many years.
Introduction: Ron Jeremy. One of los chicos. Laid back, hilarious, sexist, adorable. Student, musician, foreigner.)

Last night, while spending some time with los chicos for Lavender's birthday, Volcano said to Malibu, Leggings, and myself something he loves to say to me.

"Where do you get the confidence?"

Now, Volcano likes to say this to me when I hum along to music playing, when I dance around the room, anything really. It's completely a joke and he usually apologizes for saying it within thirty seconds, but los chicos love to toss it around.

So, Malibu, Leggings, and I were simply in los chicos' room just hanging around and talking with them. There were no open seats, so the three of us were standing and just being silly and goofing off. In the midst of our completely random behavior and slightly immature nature, Volcano busts out the line. Soon, Lavender, Zero, Eclipse, and Ron Jeremy decide to join in. All the guys are ripping on us, continually. We just laugh along and roll with the punches.

But suddenly, Volcano goes, "No, seriously. Why do you guys always do this? you come here and act so strange. You never do this around other people, do you. How can you just be so carefree?" He was genuinely confused. Lavender chimed in and supported Volcano's confusion.

This baffled me. They were confused as to why we were having a good time and just relaxing? Wait, what.

So I say, "How is that confusing? We're comfortable enough with you all to act whatever way we feel. I don't see the issue here."

And Lavender takes a few seconds to just stare at me. "Wow," he eventually says. "I guess I never thought about it that way. Is that true? Huh..."

Why do men get so confused at the concept of women being simply friends? I, personally, NEED to have my core group of guy friends who I can just go to and sit around with and not even particularly do anything with. I just need guys who are good company, accepting of me, and willing to bro-out, as Malibu calls it, when I need that down time. Luckily, I found los chicos and they have been that solid group for me at school. I honestly have no clue as to why all of them were so truly perplexed by our comfort with them and our openness to be who we want to be. If anyone has any explanation, please share.

I guess I'm more shaken by it than anyone else in that room because that's what I expect from my friends. I don't want friends around whom I have to be only one particular way. I need that freedom and comfort level to be me and all sides of me, whenever I want. I need to know and be sure that I'll be accepted for that and the comfort is mutual. Best friends can take me out for a fun night or just stay in and talk for a few hours. Best friends can discuss my papers with and with whom I can run through the streets and pull Trigger Happy TV stunts. I need versatility and the assurance that my friends know ME and accept ME. And, perhaps even moreso, I want to be that friend as well. I try so hard to be as good of a friend as I can, and I definitely feel that no one is a true friend who can only accept one tiny piece of someone.

So my final note is just to be as open to your friends as you can be. If you want them in your life, you have to open up to them. Give a little and offer to take a little. Let them in. Take the plunge. It's scary as all hell, but a true friend is perhaps the greatest thing this world has to offer.